"As the stars appear I know I'll find you staring at the sky. Pointlessly reaching for some light you hope to guide your sorry way." -Savior, VNV Nation, Empires.

Just figured I'd drop in and post a little smidgeon before class. This is the last week of classes at CSU and next week we have finals. I have a final project for my programming class due on friday and then I am hopefully never programming again, I suck at it and I hate it. My 20th Century Fiction final is Wednesday from 1:30-3:30 but it shouldn't take that long. But the real kickers are my physic final and my differential equations final. Now Physics will be multiple choice and hopefully not to awful but it'll be Monday 7:00-9:00. Differential Equations is a hard class and it's going to be a cumulative final, Friday 7:00-9:00 and then I can go home for a month. A whole month at home with no homework and nothing to do because no one will give me a job. My roomie is starting to make me crazy and I long for the end of the year when I go home and won't have to live with her anymore. I am spitefully I hope she fails her calc class but that is really mean. I really don't know what I am doing love wise I have a bit of a complicated situation with a friend that I need to sort out. How i feel about him is a little confused. He loves being with me but I am so afraid that I'll hurt him because he needs someone serious and I am currently just flirty and aloof. Damn me. I long for a relationship but fear for that amount of commitment. Not sure about much of anything really except that I miss being home with my friends. I miss talking to a few people I've known through life. I really want to make out with someone who has a tongue ring, just for the experience. Odd things to be sure of those. I went to see Phantom of the Opera a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, it was amazing I am in love with it. I went to a drag show on Saturday and it was really good, funny, it was great. Well I guess that's all she wrote really, I need to get ready for class anyway. Adieu.

"There is deep prejudice in me. Outshines all reasons inside. Given dreams all ridden with pain. And projected unto the last" - Windowpane, Opeth, Damnation

It's about time I update this thing egh? Honestly I have just,..not wanted the world to know whats been going on in my life. My summer went by well enough if not a little too fast and I moved in to my dorm in Ft. Collins maybe August 18th. It started out well enough I suppose, I was social, met more new people then I'll ever remember. But now that I am three months in I count the days until I go home, I avoid seeing people outside of neccesity, and I am starting to dislike my roommate immensly. She got a boyfriend maybe three weeks in and they can not keep their hands to each other. Now, normally I wouldn't mind except he isn't really appealing and they try to have sex while I am in the room. Also, seeing them together reminds me of how truely alone I am up here. Thankfully, I have my brother who seems to be my only true friend here. This is really the only time I have ever doubted that CSU is where I was meant to be. But enough of my woe is me pity stuff. Classes are going well enough and I choose to be the way I am. Semester ends the 17th of December for those who really would like to see me. College has been a time of self growth for me I realized. I feel like a very different person. I love the fact that I am so close to my family and that I talk to my mother everyday, though most people say she is just overprotective. I want to get an industrial in my right ear and have been really considering getting my nipples pierced. I think the only reason I'd do it is because it would make me feel better as a person. For those who haven't seen me since April I cut my hair, it is about armpit level. I know old news but some readers don't really ever see me. Today I gauged my bottom holes in my ears up to a 14. I live with a lot of Christains,...they are great people and are very understanding that I don't go to church because I have no need to. Contrary to most of my college counterparts I am still the "good kid" with bad thoughts and haven't drunk, smoked, gotten high, or had sex. I know a sad existence in some peoples eyes but I am alright with it. College gives me weird dreams and odd sleeping patterns. Speaking of which it is bed timeish, have to get up for class in the morning. Adieu.

"Pull the wool on my eyes, like a crooked, burnt-out saint. I believed and soaked in every word you said, always tasting red hands." - Taste the Red Hands, Dead Poetic, New Medicines

I am such a bad updater. So yeah I graduated, had my party an what not. 'Twas swell I must say.I really,...I'm soul searching right now trying to find something I feel is missing from within myself. Over the summer I am taking Calc III at CCA and US History to 1877 at Columbia College so I have a lot going on. I am also trying to find a job for some money. All stupid, they won't hire you because you have no experience but god how are you suppose to get experience if no one will give you a job! Gah. I am trying to get some better self control and not cuss and stuff, trying to be patient with people. I am taking Tai Chi, maybe I can  relax...ungh....stressage. Well that's all I guess. Lots of Love. Adeiu.

"Pull the wool on my eyes, like a crooked, burnt-out saint. I believed and soaked in every word you said, always tasting red hands." - Taste the Red Hands, Dead Poetic, New Medicines

I am such a bad updater. So yeah I graduated, had my party an what not. 'Twas swell I must say.I really,...I'm soul searching right now trying to find something I feel is missing from within myself. Over the summer I am taking Calc III at CCA and US History to 1877 at Columbia College so I have a lot going on. I am also trying to find a job for some money. All stupid, they won't hire you because you have no experience but god how are you suppose to get experience if no one will give you a job! Gah. I am trying to get some better self control and not cuss and stuff, trying to be patient with people. I am taking Tai Chi, maybe I can  relax...ungh....stressage. Well that's all I guess. Lots of Love. Adeiu.

"And I am, stronger now,.." -Stronger, Trust Company, True Parallels

Before me spans six more weeks of high school. Deep down I know this weeks will pass before I know it but right now it seems so long, too long almost. Something deep down is building, waiting to escape, so big it scares me but there it is none the less. I know it has been forever since I have posted and I should have posted more over a week break but my heart just isn't really in it. I have read everyone elses but have no compassion to write in mine, though I should. Emotions have overflowed me and I am drowing in them however until this week the only one I have expressed is raw anger and possibly hatred. Spring Break works mircles though and I feel much better aside from the little voice in my head telling me to do terrible things, I am much happier. To much work and no play makes Sam an extremely pissed off girl. Oh well, I am past that. Onto what I did or didn't do over my Spring Break. Friday I don't particularly remember along with Saturday and most of Sunday. Sunday night Sara R. came over and spent the night we went and saw Constantine and I got in three games of DDR though the guy I have been infatuated with wasn't there. More about that if you ask. Monday,..hmm Monday,...think I watched movies like a loser. Tuesday Crystal and I had a little sleep over, watched movies not sure what I forgot. Wednesday, did nothing though I should have done homework, C'est la vie. Thursday, oh good golly Thursday. ::heavenly angels sing:: Stacy came at like 3 or so and we finished up Hamlet ate dinner and know what we did then? huh? WE WENT TO THE BREAKING BENJAMIN CONCERT! It so fucking kicked major ass! The Exies were up first and I really liked them though the crowd was less then enthusiastic, effing statues,..then us was Theory of a Deadman, which I didn't like as much as The Exies but they were still good,...again,..effing statues. Then, last but not least was Breaking Benjamin, which kicked fucking major ass. It was so great I was like wired all night and into Friday, Saturday, Sunday,..get the picture? Anyway during the encore, the last song was Shallow Bay and a mosh pit broke out right next to Stacy and I and it was just so fucking cool. Stacy probably didn't appreciate me shoving her into the middle. She was inside of me so when she was shoved into me I shoved her into them,... oh well then I was on the inside and this really tall guy plowed into me and I swear I was going to cry he hit my nose but it was fucking great! Friday,..I had an appointment and well thats where I am leaving that. Yesterday,..more nothing. Today,..nothing after putting up new curtains,...Hmm tomorrow,..CCA blegh. Oh well TTFN. Adeiu.